Brides and Grooms wanted

When you're saddled with a lot of spare time on your hands, the best way to keep yourself occupied and entertained is to spend it perusing the matrimonial columns in the newspapers. These columns apart from serving their purpose of matchmaking offer deep insight into the preferances and prejudices of the human mindset. Though we call ourselves tolerant and accepting towards people of all creed, one look at these columns is enough to convince you otherwise.

For my part I'm not going to place myself on a moral high ground and indulge in self righteous sanctimony, but rather am in the mood for a light hearted look at these matchmaking columns. If indeed one were to conduct a beauty contest among those who submit to these columns merely by looking at their ads, then I'm sure every entrant would claim the top prize.

Here are some samples that I came across in the brides wanted section recently:-

"Must be able to cook, sing, dance and paint." (though not necessarily in that order)

Well, well. Now, I can accept the 'cooking' part. After all which human being doesn't like to eat wholesome home cooked food everyday. It's what some of us live for. But why the 'sing, dance and paint' part? Does the groom think he is some Maharaja from the 17th century looking for a concubine to augment his harem?

"Doctor seeks doctor"

What is it with people wanting to marry someone in the same profession. Makes you wonder if the person in question here is looking to get married or looking to open a clinic. (hmm.......... maybe he's looking to kill 2 birds with one stone)

"Interested parties should send 4 photographs of the girl - one in sari, one in salwar, one in jeans and one in shorts"

Yeah, right. This must be the NRI groom, who is convinced that his bride must be fit to adorn the cover of 'Vogue'. Such guys must be shackled to a chair and made to watch a marathon session of T.Rajendar movies back to back.

"Must be traditional"

Translation:- The groom can be a lecherous, beer swilling, womanising lowlife. But when he comes home after his romps the bride should be there to receive him on the doorstep with a smile, make him feel comfortable, serve him faithfully and be eternally grateful for doing so.

If you thought these columns were heavily loaded against brides, then you thought wrong.The grooms wanted section has quite a few gems too:-

"Must be handsome, athletic, slim, tall and fair"

When will girls realise that not all guys can be like Milind Soman, despite the fact that the guys themselves remain convinced they are Adonis reincarnated.

"Must possess green card"

This is the category of girls whose eyes see nothing but dollar signs. They should be taken to Punjab where numerous girls who fell for the green card bearing grooms will recount their horror tales.

"51 year old female is seeking............"

We've heard of late bloomers, but honestly this takes the cake. The only reply this individual can expect is from Dr.Kevorkian himself.

"Wheatish complexioned, non-vegetarian, diploma in catering, seeks......"

Sounds suspiciously like an item from a restaurant menu.

"Born again christian hindu convert seeks, born again christian hindu convert."

Maybe they are aiming to join a religious convention.

"28 year old female, good education, majored in Chemistry, top of the class in Bed"

See what a simple typo can accomplish. B.Ed became Bed in this instance. Now the only person who's likely to respond to this ad is Dr.Prakash (if he is reading this in jail).

"Wanted good charactered groom with broad outlook for innocent, unconsummated
divorcee aged 28 years"

What is it with this "innocent divorcee" business. Does it mean that the ex-spouse of this person will advertise himself as "guilty divorcee". After all if both were innocent then why would a divorce result. And as for the consummation part of it, hmmm.....I really wonder. Maybe the above individual was too innocent, thus resulting in unconsummation and finally a divorce?

"Wanted well educated groom with good family background and clean habits"

Now, do we ever come across advertisements seeking people from shady family backgrounds and rowdy habits (except perhaps when Al Capone placed an ad). Why do people feel the need to state the bleeding obvious!

To be fair though, these columns have done a wonderful job in bringing potential mates together and they have been doing it for ages. But nevertheless they will always serve as a constant source of amusement!