(Mis)fortune Teller
When reading the Sunday paper, one section that I usually avoid like the plague is the "Week ahead" column, which predicts your forthcoming week based on your zodiac sign. It's my strong conviction that this column is usually written by someone who's out of touch with reality (like Subramaniam Swamy). Getting someone to read this particular section of the paper is the best method for lulling him into a false sense of security along with asking him to install the latest upgrade from Microsoft. If you don't believe me grab hold of a sunday paper and check it out for yourself. Without exception every single column under each of the 12 zodiac signs would predict a rosy, fun-filled week where everything you do will be a roaring success and everything you touch will turn to gold. Yeah, right.
To prove my point let me narrate one such personal experience of mine. A few years ago I did the most foolish thing by reading the above mentioned "week ahead" column and believing in it with all the gullibility of a credit-card bearing tourist shopping in Burma Bazaar. In fact the predictions for that week just stopped short of unequivocally stating that I would win the million dollar lottery. I'll reproduce an actual account of that particular week along with the stated predictions and you can judge for yourself.
There is a strong possibility of a new romance on the horizon.
While dining in the college canteen that week, I spotted a pretty young thing sitting all by herself sipping juice. After desperately trying for 5 long minutes (it was long, ok), I succeeded in making eye contact. I gave her a Roger Moore-esque raised eyebrow look which I hoped would successfully translate as, "Hey there! How you doin?" All I got in return was a dirty look from her, that if translated would mean, "Don't even think about it, dumbass. Who do you think you are, George Clooney? And wipe that stupid look off your face. You're not Roger Moore either" And that killed whatever romance I was hoping for that week.
Students and Professionals will experience a stellar change in fortunes.
I nearly flunked a test, got reprimanded for completing a shoddy assignment, got my project proposal rejected (the faculty actually stated that my proposed project was fit for kindergarten level) and to top it all my viva voce went for a six. It was a stellar change in fortune alright, but not the kind I was hoping for.
Friends and relatives will lend a helping hand in a manner unexpected.
After the faculty rejected the project proposal, I learned that my project partner and friend was secretly lobbying behind my back to get himself transferred to another project group, leaving me in the lurch. That was truly unexpected indeed.
Career people will get a much awaited boost.
My precious hard drive crashed and on successful re-installation crashed yet again. Need I say more.
You might be required to make an overseas trip.
That's right! In my dreams I took a trip as far as Hawaii.
Money flow will remain steady throughout the week.
I don't even want to go into that one. Suffice to say that my financial position that week was as tight as Adnan Sami in an aircraft toilet.
Avoid speculation.
Oh yeah? Thanks for the advice. I'm a major player in the stock market you see and I was wondering if I might sell short some of the technology stocks from my burgeoning portfolio. Now thanks to this esteemed piece of advice I'll lay off that for now.
You see what I'm talking about. None of the stated predictions matched the actual events that happened during the course of that week. This convinced me that all that's written in the fortune column is just a bunch of baloney. And if you take a look carefully you'll notice that the same predictions are recycled week after week. What might be written for Aries this week will be reproduced under the section for Leo next week. There might be a clever rewording here and there and a subtle sentence reorganizing. Other than that it's the same old stuff spewed forth week after week, year after year. Considering the vast readership these fortune columns possess, I must have uncovered a scam of epic proportions that affects the public at large. Tehelka, where art thou?
In this day and age when almost every product or service carries with it a disclaimer statement, why should the newspapers be exempt. From now on they should be required to print a notice in bold typeface below these fortune columns:-
To prove my point let me narrate one such personal experience of mine. A few years ago I did the most foolish thing by reading the above mentioned "week ahead" column and believing in it with all the gullibility of a credit-card bearing tourist shopping in Burma Bazaar. In fact the predictions for that week just stopped short of unequivocally stating that I would win the million dollar lottery. I'll reproduce an actual account of that particular week along with the stated predictions and you can judge for yourself.
There is a strong possibility of a new romance on the horizon.
While dining in the college canteen that week, I spotted a pretty young thing sitting all by herself sipping juice. After desperately trying for 5 long minutes (it was long, ok), I succeeded in making eye contact. I gave her a Roger Moore-esque raised eyebrow look which I hoped would successfully translate as, "Hey there! How you doin?" All I got in return was a dirty look from her, that if translated would mean, "Don't even think about it, dumbass. Who do you think you are, George Clooney? And wipe that stupid look off your face. You're not Roger Moore either" And that killed whatever romance I was hoping for that week.
Students and Professionals will experience a stellar change in fortunes.
I nearly flunked a test, got reprimanded for completing a shoddy assignment, got my project proposal rejected (the faculty actually stated that my proposed project was fit for kindergarten level) and to top it all my viva voce went for a six. It was a stellar change in fortune alright, but not the kind I was hoping for.
Friends and relatives will lend a helping hand in a manner unexpected.
After the faculty rejected the project proposal, I learned that my project partner and friend was secretly lobbying behind my back to get himself transferred to another project group, leaving me in the lurch. That was truly unexpected indeed.
Career people will get a much awaited boost.
My precious hard drive crashed and on successful re-installation crashed yet again. Need I say more.
You might be required to make an overseas trip.
That's right! In my dreams I took a trip as far as Hawaii.
Money flow will remain steady throughout the week.
I don't even want to go into that one. Suffice to say that my financial position that week was as tight as Adnan Sami in an aircraft toilet.
Avoid speculation.
Oh yeah? Thanks for the advice. I'm a major player in the stock market you see and I was wondering if I might sell short some of the technology stocks from my burgeoning portfolio. Now thanks to this esteemed piece of advice I'll lay off that for now.
You see what I'm talking about. None of the stated predictions matched the actual events that happened during the course of that week. This convinced me that all that's written in the fortune column is just a bunch of baloney. And if you take a look carefully you'll notice that the same predictions are recycled week after week. What might be written for Aries this week will be reproduced under the section for Leo next week. There might be a clever rewording here and there and a subtle sentence reorganizing. Other than that it's the same old stuff spewed forth week after week, year after year. Considering the vast readership these fortune columns possess, I must have uncovered a scam of epic proportions that affects the public at large. Tehelka, where art thou?
In this day and age when almost every product or service carries with it a disclaimer statement, why should the newspapers be exempt. From now on they should be required to print a notice in bold typeface below these fortune columns:-
"Warning: To be read only by the naive and gullible folk (Ilicha Vaayans in case it's a tamil daily) and those living in a fantasy land (like CPI) or a warped version of reality (like Murli Manohar Joshi)."
posted by Unknown @ 4:07 AM
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